nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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