"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
