3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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