she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
