I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You're like the curious george of whores
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
