Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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