you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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