i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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