matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
