If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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