Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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