Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
