You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
