"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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