I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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