That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
