i think my mom watched the whole time
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
