you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
