I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
