I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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