That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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