chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize