i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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