i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize