I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
