Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
