i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
