Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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