Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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