I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
