Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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