just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
