Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
the liver wants what the liver wants
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
