bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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