i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
