Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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