You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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