SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
