can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
