remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
