I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
