his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
