I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
