sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
