Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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