he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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