just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize