You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
