Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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