Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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