you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
