Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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