I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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