haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it was like having sex with a tree stump
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
