If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
