Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
