Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
