Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
