I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
