At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize