btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
