please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My vagina just clenched in fear
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
