I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
