Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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